Parenting is so hard.......
Posted By: trose on 2007-10-22
In Reply to: college freshman saga continues......thank you for everyone's words of advice...sm - still frustrated
I am in no way saying that you are being a controlling parent. I understand that just becuase they are in college you can't and don't just say okay, now you are an "adult" you are on your own, go ahead and make mistakes. I myself and a bit controlling (kids are 17 and 15) and am trying really hard to tame that. I learned it from my "other" mother. She was very controlling with my younger brother (from her first marriage) all the way through his college years. He ended up marrying a very controlling person and that marriage lasted 4 years. He is now in a seemingly happy marriage but she is also quite controlling. I think it is a very fine line that we have to walk in giving them wings but also holding on when we see such obvious mistakes. Remeber the boy he was before he met this girl, the boy you raised with sounds like good values. Give him a little more time. About taking away the car I see why you did it. He blantly defied a rule and then lied about it. Maybe to try to build up the trust take it away for a shorter time and give him another chance. JMO! I really hope this gets worked out soon. I can only imagine how hard it is to have your child away for the first time and then these problems thrown in. Good luck.
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parenting class . . .
My husband and I recently took on Love and Logic classes. I am the type of person that is always looking to improve on things, though, so I don't have a problem with it. What's wrong with being a better parent?
My, you let her down on a large part of parenting.
x
Is it fair to attack her parenting?
I thought Christians weren't supposed to judge. Is it because she *let* her daughter make her own decision to become atheist? I can't stand hypocrisy. It's what starts wars.
your parenting style is really bordering on abuse
and what makes this so sad is the fact that your children are so young and cannot control what is happening to them. They are trapped in a world ruled by your iron fist.
If the school tells you to go to parenting classes
Is that a step away from the school calling the CPS? I visited my aunt at a resturant she was telling me about her children's children. She said the 12 yo was acting up really bad in school and he is about to get thrown out. Every word out of that woman's mouth was it is because the DIL won't.... or the DIL doesn't........ Aunt has the kids more than the DIL does and she is constantly critising the DIL on everything. She had their 2 yo son with her and he started grunting obviously messing his diaper and she hit him on the nose (not hard) and said STOP! Then he threw up and she covered his mouth as if to stop him and it did not work and somehow that was all DIL fault also. DIL would tell aunt what the pedi said and aunt disagrees that the pedi don't know what they are talking about, that she raised 3 boys and they were going to do things her way. She disagrees with what the parenting classes are teaching. You spank kids and spank them hard, she ran around with a hairbrush and a fly swatter when her kids were little. Her DIL called me one night in tears because at some family function aunt started in on her and saying that she is incompetant and she needed aunt and DIL threw her plate of food at her. Aunt got peturbed because DIl was feeding her then 1 year-old cheerios. I told the DIL that there is a government programs out there that can help her pay for childcare that she does not need to rely aunt. I got the number from my daycare director and gave it to her. She never called. I had also told the DIL that she better start listening to the school and to the pedis and not the aunt because she is the one responsible for those kids and if aunt does something they are going to hold her responsible. The aunt won't let her use anyone but her. She is very bossy and the matriarch of the family. I had offered to keep the kids on weekends but I am not good enough either. I don't make my kids mind and aunt would have to work to hard undoing everything I did. Funny, the school told me that whatever I was doing with my 5 year old to do it again with my 18 month old. The DIL and son are mentally handicapped, both were in special education class in high school and both are janitors of the school which is probably the best job they will ever get. Think they would do well though and their kids would thrive better if they had a better support system. I wished there was something I could do to help but they did not want any of my help. I just don't like to go around them anymore. I have turned down every offer my aunt had to watch my children. No way.
I didnt really want parenting advice. You dont know
wanted to see if someone knew of a formula, like a percentage of income for xtras. Say what you want, but I will not be replying to any more of these posts attacking me and my family. Im sorry I even came here.
Yes, when parenting leaves lots to be desired, it is
x
But wait, is her mom still putting out that Christian book about parenting? LOL
I mean seriously first the Britney trainwreck and now the little one (who is 16) pregnant! Oh joy ! That woman should be ashamed of herself and not writing any books unless it titled
White Trash Parenting
OR better yet.......
How to Turn Your White Trash into Millions!
LOL
Parenting advice needed! I am losing my mind with my 14yo son. SM
He is so smart. I got his first grade card a couple of weeks ago, 2 Fs (Science and Computer Lit) and a D+ in English. The rest of his grades were acceptable. The problem isn't that he doesn't understand the subject matter in these classes, but that he simply doesn't do the work, doesn't turn in homework assignments, NOTHING!
I started having trouble with him last year and he barely passed the 7th grade. Now, here it is the beginning of a new school year and he's doing the exact same thing. He's grounded, of course, but that doesn't seem to make a difference to him. Last night his English teacher called to tell me he hasn't turned in any assignments since the beginning of the new quarter, that he simply sits there at his desk doing nothing while the rest of the class works. She said he seems to be easily distracted.
When I talk to him about school, he gives me attitude. Last night after I hung up with the English teacher, I was very angry, and proceeded to ground him longer and took away his IPod. He had the audacity to say "mom, you're really making me mad (only he didn't say "making me mad"). I took step toward him because I was about ready to slap his disrespectiful mouth and he said "you better not lay a hand on me." He threatened me! So I basically took a deep breath and said "son you do not want to take me on." And then I proceeded to tell him that he would be staying after school with his English teacher until further notice and that I will be picking him up every day after school to make sure he brings home all his books and homework.
I don't know what else to do. I have asked his teachers to keep me informed via email cause I'm always at my computer during the day. His Science teacher just emailed me and said he didn't turn in his assignment today. After all that last night and he STILL didn't turn in his assignment!
I tried to be understanding because he's at a new school in a new town, but socially he's happier than I've seen him in a long time. He has made a bunch of new friends, he's planning on going out for the basketball team. At first I tried to blame his attitude problems on the move and the new school, but he was doing the exact same thing last year at his old school. His dad and I have separated and maybe that has something to do with it, but life has been less stressful without his dad here, even my son has said so.
Please give me some advice. I've thought about talking to the school counseling, going to family counseling, having my son see a therapist. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm failing as a parent here and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for letting me spill my guts.
I know how hard it is......sm
I understand what you're saying. God didn't give us the ability to forget, just the strength to get through it. Have you talked with your husband. Does he seem happy to have this child or has he ever said he was sorry for ever wanting that now that the child is here? Maybe if you could hear him say he was sorry for ever wanting that and couldn't imagine your child not being here, maybe that would help. Seeing true remorse in a person goes a long way in helping you deal with this.
Hard to say
If I had it to do over again, I probably would not have married my husband. He and I are not very well suited to each other at all. But then I wouldn't have my wonderful son, so I can't say I entirely regret it. And after 27 years of marriage, my husband and I finally have a great relationship, with the help of an excellent marriage counselor. What's that saying - I've been happily married for 8 years, but we were married 27 years ago. 
I'm sorry - I know it must be hard for you (sm)
I don't have experience with it, but at lesat she is making the decision and you don't have to make it. There are also assisted living facilities that are not so much a nursing home, if you think that would be an option for her. Best wishes to you.
i know it is hard to believe
but I didn't see a pay phone in the dorm. You can get a room phone installed but it is expensive. I guess that is a thought though.
Even if I could contact AIM, I don't think I would. He is 18 and really I can't tell them not to let him use his free account. He's an adult (at least in terms of the law) even if he isn't acting very mature. The way it is now, I can see if he is online and talk to him. If I did something like that he would jsut make up a new screen name that I wouldn't have at all. I just don't think that is a good idea.
This is so hard
Your dog is beautiful. I know how attached you get and how much love these little guys give us.
We just had to go through much the same thing with our 9-year-old lab, Murphy. He got pancreatitis and was very sick, started to get better, but then really took a turn for the worse. He was unable to get up and walk and just cried and cried. After a couple of days, we all decided it was best to have him euthanized. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but none of us could stand to watch him suffer any more. He has had this look in his eyes like he was saying let me go.
Not saying that that is the right decision for you. I think you will know in your heart when it is time. Just try to keep him as comfortable and happy as possible.
My heart goes out to you and Fox.
re: having a hard day/NC MT
It depends on where your degree is from, and where you plan to go to school. If your college credit is from a community college, it should most certainly transfer. You really have to check with a counselor from the school you wish to attend. Good luck!
I'm so sorry...I know it must be so hard (sm)
at least it has only been 8 months though...so you two have no children together, right? No having to beg for sex when you are a newlywed is not normal. I have a lot of marital issues myself thought not similar...please e-mail me if you want to talk!
7 is a hard age sm
Had a 2nd grader who was after much angst by all, diagnosed as gifted. I was able to put him in private school, quieter, excelled at everything, is now an entrepeneur and doctoral candidate. It was not easy to pay the bills, but worked harder than ever. The school had me thinking it was my parenting skills, or lack of them, his behavior, his needing more male positive image, etc., etc. If I had istened to them he would have been put in a special class with those with learning difficulties. All in all, I was crying every day. Took a lot of time and energy. Looking back, his teacher was at fault for mislabeling him and not appreciating his talent. I think he was smarter than she was. We shudder at even the mention of her name. Some don't deserve to be teaching. Don't let her be mislabeled. Thank goodness, I knew someone in the field who tested as I was transcribing his work. It's a very hard road you have in front of you. Don't be discouraged, please. Good luck with it, it's very difficult. Keep examining the whole picture. God bless you.
So sorry. I know this has to be so hard
but she obviously is in a very loving home. Take a little comfort in knowing that you gave her a wonderful life.
it must be hard
person... i mean if you have only felt the need to apologize one time that must be some sort of record. correct me if i'm wrong, but you were apologizing at that particular time even though you were not at fault?
I did it on my own. It was not hard. No one else will
It did take some time to educate myself but it was not difficult. Got Money magazine and started reading. Also read other mags. I did have someone to talk to but could have done it without this person. Also, the investment groups 800 numbers were able to answer questions I had. It was acutally fun, in an odd way, knowing I was taking care of me, without having to pay someone else to do it. And that someone else would also be paid, out of my money, for giving me advice I could find for myself.
It's so hard to know ....
It's so hard to know the truth when these stories are printed in the Enquirer and papers of that kind. I hope this is one of those stories that turn out to be just sensationalism. How sad for him if it isn't!
What's hard is that
we have been keeping all of our kids' college funds in the stockmarket. After a big hit in 2001, they were doing OK. But now that we're really having to use them, the money just isn't there.
I'm wondering if it makes more sense to keep the money in the market (waiting for recovery) and take out a loan for the college tuition.
No wonder it's so hard to get through - and why
And yet US hospitals are trusting confidential data to the people who built that tangled mess. Unbelievable.
It's really hard to tell ...
what the true tones of some of these texts are meant to be.
It seems what I am reading is saying to tell the truth in an abstract way, just not in a personal way.
If anyone cares, my kids are only 4, 5, and 8, so the subject of my experience with alcohol and sex would be totally inappropriate. I was just wondering if anyone had an experience where being truthful with their older kids (18+) about herself was helpful. Apparently not?
me too and its so hard! nm
x
Not too hard for me, either.
I probably only eat meat 3 times a week as it is. I've committed to a vegetarian diet several times before in my life, and kept it up the longest for about 3 years. The thing that pulls me back to the meat eating side is hamburgers. I don't know why, but I love 'em! Really good ones... not fast food "patties". Also, I don't have any issues about not eating animals. I think some animals are quite tasty. But I can do fine without eating them, too. Were I more committed to vegetarian philosophy, I'm sure it would be a different story.
Too hard for me
b
Hard liquor.
Way to go. I know it is hard, did it about 12 years ago (sm)
now my husband who was a die-hard smoker has gone 2 months without.
He finds it great that now when we go anywhere he can relax and not worry about the next location he can light up.
Thoughts are with you. It's a tough fight but you can do it.
Hard drive?
Hello...sorry for the beginner question, but if I purchase a hard drive, are they generic to any computer? Or do they need to be specific for the computer they are going to be put into? It's going to go into an HP Pavilion. I just want to get a 40GB hard drive that doesn't cost too much. Any info. would be appreciated.
I know you're right - it's hard to do though! (sm)
But I think that is what I have to do! Thanks!
WW is hard for about 2 days (sm)
It's hard when you're adjusting your intake amounts and type of food, but it's sound science to lose weight with. However, the biggest key for me was changing my mindset. I had lost and gained several times in the past--65 pounds, then 42 pounds, 5 pounds, 10 pounds, etc. I scared the crud out of myself at age 25 and was finally scared straight.
When I was 25, I had a bunch of weird neurological symptoms and had an MRI done. My neurologist asked me, "Why are you having strokes?" Holy cow--what? I was a healthy, obese woman with two young girls, not having stroke symptoms.
That night I thought about my baby girl and 3-year-old girl. My husband would run off to work in the morning and be gone until 5 p.m. I would be lying motionless on the bed, unable to care for my little girls because I ate my way to a massive stroke. My baby would be crying out for me for food and a pants change. My oldest could throw her some Cheerios but that's about it until my husband came home.
I know it is not completely rational, but that was the catalyst that got me going. I started with my old WW calculator and went down from 235.5 pounds to 112 pounds. I'm 5 feet 5 inches and 28 now. I've kept the weight off for over a year, most of it for 2 years (most of the weight came off in about a year), and even kept it off through a pregnancy. I was at my prepregnancy weight at 3 days postpartum.
Anyway, I'm rambling. My tips for you--don't drink your calories, eat high-fiber cereal every morning, and save some points for whatever you like to eat. I always saved a couple points every night for ice cream. Oh yeah, and weigh every day. That way you'll know what foods affect your weight and which don't.
I haven't counted points for a couple of years. I weigh every day and know when I need to forget a snack for the night by my weight in the morning. I have control of this beast called weight control, and it is a beast.
Be prepared, though. People won't tell an obese person that he or she needs to lose weight, but people will take every liberty to tell a formerly fat person that he or she needs to gain some weight, never mind the health part of weight gain.
Good luck!
It's hard, but be strong for your mom and go.
If this is a family gathering, I'd go and be as polite as I could stomach, and then leave and take it up with her at a later time. Can't say I wouldn't flash her the ol' stinkeye once or twice when no one was looking though.
Here, those jobs are HARD to get
The elementary aide jobs in this county pay @$12.00/hour (your location may vary),lots of paid holidays, great hours, vacation time, sick days, insurance, and retirement.
I worked as an aide in an elementary school in the past when I was in a master's degree program but left the program (and the area) when I had a financial downturn.
To give you an idea of what it may entail, in my school I had duties such as hall duty (keeping the noise to a dull roar and horseplay to a minimum in the morning before classes begin and after school), cafeteria duty (making sure the right classes go to the right tables and fetching forgotten forks, napkins, and condiments), bus duty (helping children get on the right buses), as well as things such as testing for reading level placement and working with one group of students in a subject while the teacher works with another group.
Some of the aide jobs are more clerical in nature, some are in the library, some are to help the special education kids. Once you get in, you can usually find your niche and gravitate towards it.
It is never routine! I, too, am a burned out MT now and would love to get one of those jobs again, but it is very difficult to obtain one here.
My condolences -- it is so hard
I lost my best friend for 16 1/2 years this past May (though Tasha was a dog) and I know what you are going through. I did not have to make the decision as she did but it was still hard. I also had her cremated and her ashes are here with me in my office and I plan on spreading them up in the park above where I live where she loved to run and chase the squirrls I cried harder over her passing than I did over my divorce --but then she was faithful and stayed with me through the good, bad and ugly. Have not gotten another dog yet, but it is hard to come home to an empty house though I do have two cats. One kitty was very close to Tasha and thought I would lose her afterwards as she did not eat for almost a week and just kept wanderng and wandering. But she then found an old towel that I used to wipe Tasha off after walking and started to sleep on that and came around. But I remember her in her younger years and feel that she is running through heaven and chasing everyone around up there. So remember the good times and though your heart is aching, as least she is out of her suffering and pain. They give so much and ask for so little. Again, prayers and hugs to you. Patti
Might be a little hard at first, but then you get used to it. Have your kids help.
xx
We had a very hard time with my SIL
married to my younger brother. She was a total gold digger. Sucked up to our family until they were married and then nothing. She would walk into my parent's house and if she saw something new like a stero, she would say we will take the old one, etc. She is now gone. We really like his new wife. Defintely loves my baby bro. My other brother is divorced. My ex-SIL and her new boyfriend travel with our family all the time. My brother works for my hubby but has basically dropped out of out lives.
I know how you feel. It's so very, very hard, but (sm)
my cat had almost a year like that, would keep bouncing back every time I though the end was imminent. I told myself she just didn't want to leave me. Hang in there. It's rough.
I know how hard this must be for you. Hugs to you! nm
!
Yes, it is hard to talk to them sometimes! (sm)
No way will husband do it. He always agrees with her. He thinks the kids should go whether they want to or not.
I'm so sorry. That must be really hard...I'm just sorry ((hugs)) (nm)
x
its hard to tell enough on line, but not all
men who have anger and other problems are serious abusers; they are men with their own baggage that affects their behavior. Mine was one. The first 10-15 years were pretty rough, but these last 10 and esp the last 5 are great -- he's in control, learned to be considerate, etc etc. I agree how bad it is for the children. But our 2 daughters have turned out fine; one married to a wonderful guy with well-raised children of their own, and the other has graduated professional school, working a dream job and going for several years with a great guy. A woman has to make her own judgment calls as to the true nature of their problems/relationship/safety and whether there is hope or not. I just don't think you can rubberstamp these marriages as all doomed.
Guys not hard to buy for...
If they're tech guys, get them Best Buy gift cards.
This will be hard, but there are things
You have to know. As a gay person myself I feel I may have something to offer you.
Your husband may very well be gay or bisexual. The first thing you have to know is that it has nothing to do with you or anything you have or have not done or been to him and he loves you.
People call it a "lifestyle choice." It is not. A "lifestyle choice" is whether you visit your local coffee house, ski every winter, what sort of car you prefer, the clothing you like. These things are related to lifestyle. I know this sounds irrelevent, but it will make more sense in just a moment.
First, you have to understand that he is not doing these things behind your back to hurt you. This has been with him for a very long time. If he has only recently begun to experience his feelings intensely enough to try to act upon them, he is also very confused and feels extremely guilty.
Regardless of that, this is an intrinsic part of who he is. It is who he is. It is not a thing, it is not "something he does." It is who he is. Say that in your head. A lot. And do it before you talk to him. You do have to talk to him.
You have to understand that for him, if he is bisexual or gay, his feelings are as much a part of him as yours are a part of you or mine are a part of me. I could no more just go out and be with a man than you could just go out and be with a woman. It's the same for him. No one who knows and loves him will understand this and he knows it. He knows that it can and will destroy relationships he has in his life, some of them permanently. That's why he's sneaking around. It does NOT justify his sneaking around, but that is the reason.
There are so many reasons to have the heart to heart mentioned by the other poster. The most important being your safety. You have to find out if he's actually been with anyone yet and then you both need some blood work. You will not get the answers if you lose control of your emotions. You will get whatever he feels he needs to tell you to keep you calm and not running out the door. So you have to think about your approach and you may have to think about it for a good while before talking to him. You have to remain grounded no matter how hard it is, because when he realizes he's been found out, he will no longer be grounded.
A person who cheats on their spouse deserves no sympathy, I believe. However, the most important element at play is going to be your safety and your health first. It just has to be.
Next, really try to help him find out if this is who he is. Not for him, but for yourself and your hopefully monogamous marriage. If you're going to get the truth, this has to be done in a non-threatening way. You don't have to be supportive, but I would stop short of confrontational if you want the truth.
You must understand that HE may not be ready for the truth either. Right now, he is experimenting and testing the water while safely married with all the appearances of heterosexuality and the safety that affords a person in and of itself. I don't know how old he is, but I have seen people over about 25 have a really, really hard time with this. If he is not ready, you will not get the truth. This is going to be hell on you. You have to leave the door open. You will get a whole range of answers from "it's a phase" to "i just needed something different" to a harmless fetish or unrealized sexual fantasy.
An important element for you to understand that is missed by most heterosexuals is that sex is not what orientation is about. It is a part of it (thank goodness), but a gay or bisexual person is also emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually attracted to the same sex. Your husband is not just interested in sex with men. It goes beyond that, as it goes beyond that for you in your attraction to your husband. This part can often hit a spouse the hardest.
There is no easy way for you to deal with this. There is not going to be an easy way in or out for either of you. He can promise you that he has or will never "act on it." That doesn't matter because this is who he is. He cannot choose to be someone else anymore than you or I can. You are going to have some really hard choices to make over the coming months.
Unfortunately, on top of your discovery you also have to deal with possible infidelity and the betrayal you feel. This is going to seem insurmountable to you. You have to hold onto yourself for your own sake and become an expert at self preservation. You can eventually allow yourself to break down and lose it, but you can't do that right now, ok? It will sure feel good when you can, but you just can't right now.
I am so sorry. No one deserves to go through this with their spouse. Just please understand that this is WHO a person is, not WHAT a person is. It is not an ACT to hurt you. It is who he is and there is no cause.
I could probably go on but I already feel like I'm babbling now. So much to say...
Please feel free to email me. There really is a lot you can do for yourself to help you stay sane through this.
I'm sorry, but I have a hard time
She made a conscious choice to do drugs, drink, have baby after baby...that's not mental illness. She (like the other poster stated) puts herself in the path of the photogs...going out 5, 6, 7 times for fast food...come on now. Flashing her no-underwear-wearing behind...yeah, she's mental alright...just not mentally disabled. She needs to grow up, live up to her responsibilities, and take care of her kids, plain and simple. And her mom needs a good a$$ kicking, IMHO of course. 
I know how you feel... it's hard...
I lost my 20yo kitty about 2 years ago. Sweet little girl. I never realized how old she was until my son turned 20 and it dawned on me I adopted her on his 5th birthday. I'm like, dang! you're an old lady!! From then on, we had a bond... 2 old ladies LOL. The only thing that ever ruffled her fur was when I got rid of the clunky monitor. She had to find another 'resting spot.'
The joy and love you had for your girl was no doubt mutual. Animals are very special :-)
Yes, she is being stoic that is why it is so hard.
She looks fine, but the rest of her is not. I have been trying for the last few days to get her to eat and/or drink, but she won't touch it. May be a few licks of wet food. She is just shutting down, so I know I am making the right decision even though she keeps on purring. Thanks.
what about your children? I know how hard
divorce is on children. I have the most beautiful children. They are well-behaved, respectful and happy. Do I trade my happiness for theirs??? Is that FAIR to them? My first step is I am going to separate our money. No more will I be subject to this. He is a poor money manager and I cannot deal with it anymore. I don't feel bad about doing that at all. But I do worry about the effects on the children. They are VERY STABLE AND THEIR LIVES ARE SO GOOD. I am not sure I can do that to them right now.
I hit hard at the beginning...sm
I work at the beginning of the pay period to get ahead a little bit so if I have a slacking day, I am okay. It is hard to stay motivated constantly, but this way most of the time, I see myself ahead of the game money wise and that motivates me more. I also keep a checklist of the bills and goodies that i want and check them off as i accumulate the money. Keeps my spending under control AND feels great when all those bills have check marks next to them. Doing this stuff, i have almost doubled my production over the last six months. Hope one of these help!
Life is hard but not over
Life is hard but not over
I would love to but it's hard to do it
i was thinking about just calling the daycare and asking to speak to her but they would recognize my voice. She doesn't teach my son's class so I don't know her, actually have never seen her and my son doesn't recognize her. But she comes up a few hits down from the top Google hit for that daycare, i'm sure it won't be long before someone else notices it...
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