Sometimes staying is worse for the kids
Posted By: paulamt20 on 2008-03-27
In Reply to: Stay together for the children - yes or no? (sm) - Carolina MT
I was in a similar situation for a long time. Our home became almost never peaceful due to their father's irrationality. It was an emotionally unsafe place for our 2 daughters. I'm not saying divorce is easy or always the answer, but in our case, we have had a friendly one, we are both still totally committed to co-parenting our children and everyone gets along so much better with him under another roof. My kids were 12 and 10 at the time (13 and 15 now), and we have been able to talk freely about all the issues and no one, not even my ex at this point, is happier than we ever were when we were living together. My daughters are above-average to excellent students in school, excel in music and sports and have the best relationship with both me and their dad that they have ever had. Sometimes you just got to look at a bigger picture about what is truly best for them, and then work at making sure their adjustment is paramount whether you decide to stay or decide to go. But having said that, be sure you do what is ultimately best for you too, I stayed as long as I did only because I let others try to tell me all the pat things, divorce is wrong, divorce is harmful to them, yadayadayada. Bottom line, if you are constantly unhappy, so will your kids be. Part of the reason my kids are so cool with the divorce is that they can now see me (and their father) happy. He has found a new partner, I haven't, but my happiness is not dependent on that. I go out some, but don't bring men around them to try to make a new daddy for them or anything like that. You have to decide what is right for you and for them, no matter really what anyone says. Once you have completely made that decision for yourself, you can make the rest fall into place. Best wishes to you!
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Staying at home and raising us kids worked for my mother
Hmm. It should be okay with me right? Oh, wait, that puts me in the welfare line which you think everyone takes advantage of.
You don't live in your mother's time. I wish you did, because the internet didn't exist then.
Thanks everyone - I have felt worse and worse as the day has gone (sm)
I am usually not so gullible and I really, really believed this was a good person I was helping. Wolf in sheep's clothing I guess. I have never been so completely fooled. I am old enough to know better.
Okay, I was staying out of this until now
Philly Gal, people like you make me sick. You are working for the same reason the rest of us are, to make a living, regardless of what the money is used for. I've worked with women like you my whole life who act like they're working just to give themselves something to do. Face it "Honey," you have bills like the rest of us and if you didn't work, your perfect little life would not be nearly as wonderful.
My SO is staying here a while
before moving in permanently. The last time he was here, he always left his cell phone around - which I never checked and did not even think to do so. I heard him talking a minute or two while I was in the shower today. Then he went out for a walk but returned a short time later because it was too hot - he loves the hot weather. I have noticed that he carries that cell phone around as though it is attached to him - takes it to the shower, etc. Am I being paranoid? Any input would be appreciated!!
Then WHY are you staying? NM
b
How is them staying together better for the children?
It would have been best for the children if these too goofs had used effective birth control and not brought innocent people into the mix, but since they did the best thing for those kids is to get K-Fed out of their lives as much as possible and hopefully Britney has the sense to hire a good nanny because she's no prize either.
I say mandatory sterilization is a great idea for these two clueless, selfish, immature, irresponsible people who had no business reproducing.
My secret is staying out of the sun
and wearing a hat or slathering on a crapload of sunscreen! I got totally fried when I worked for a nursery (plants) back in the early 1990's and my ears burnt so bad they they actually got a tad deformed around the edges! I love outdoors time but I'll be darned if the sun is gonna be the cause of my demise!
Besides, I'm a superfreak when it comes to medical stuff. I love researching all sorts of medical crap and that nasty IUD just stuck in my head from my days in Anatomy and Physiology 101.
I also have a fetish for bugs too and someday, before I die, I'd love to play entomologist or something queer like that.
But- she is still questiong about staying?
What is the question? He was an older guy trying to molest children- what question does she have? None that I can see.
What's your trick for staying awake? (sm)
I don't sleep well at night, even with taking a pill, and during the day lately I'm finding it harder and harder to say awake. I've had 2 caffeinated beverages but that's not helping. Smacking my face isn't helping. It's killing my line count. Right now I have a clothes pin on my earlobe causing just enough pain to keep me momentarily alert, but I don't expect this to last. Any suggestions?
How about staying overnight at somebody's house
or even in a hotel, and not being able to figure out the shower controls. I don't know why a shower fixture designer would be so mean as to hide basic controls, but one design that has stumped me turned out to be a little ring that appeared to be a nonmoving part of the faucet, that had to be pulled upward. If you couldn't find it, you couldn't get the water to go from the lower faucet up to the showerhead. Furthermore, all the control it gave you was on or off, instead of being able to control water pressure.
Sheez, why the secret? It's not as if it is even an attractive design!
Trouble staying awake - what do you do?? (nm)
x
...staying when there's NO love and no respect for YOU. nm
s
That was my thought, too. And have her eat well, staying away from junk
s
you did the right thing staying by the child...sm
and addressing the parent...I did worse than that...took the child, brought him to the front of the store and called out "lost parent alert"...Boy, that man was upset!
It's a shame that there were so many "nm" people out there replying to your post.  Cat
I need help staying awake. I'm so sleepy. Any suggestions?
I go through spells like this where I just can't keep my eyes open and today is one of them. I find myself going to grab something to eat to help, but that really doesn't help with the weight any.
I desperately need to wake up. My workday is only half over. Any ideas?
Although I disagree with you staying, I admire your spirit :) nm
x
Dancing With the Stars. I wanted to see who else was staying, but they (SM)
kept fooling around and I would go from one channel to another watching something else, then back again. The commercials were over, and I dashed back into the room with the pan, sat down in my chair and without thinking laid the hot pan down beside me, realized what I had just done, but too late! They didn't even announce the next couple to stay then anyway! I watch the show from time to time, at least parts of it, but never got that into it, just wanted to know who would be eliminated last night. After the carpet deal I didn't care and still don't know!
Staying at home and sleeping it in. Have to be at work at
4:30 a.m. on New Year's Day. 
You know, it's kinda quiet on this side so would appreciate you staying with whatever
cat fight you might be in on the other pages.
they stated half was staying here in US/hafl to Africa (nm)
x
Yes!! I get extremely bored and have trouble staying focused on typing. sm
Some days I am so bored I dont know how I am going to get through the day!!
Getting there early and staying late, time spent on phoning
il
Oh Wow. Staying in downtown Atlanta in a historic hotel. This place is haunted. No one
told me this, I am a Christian and I feel this heavy spirit following me everywhere I go! How crazy is that? I believe there is something here at this place. It is a beautiful place, but definitely something spiritual going on here. This was the place where they had some Gone With The Wind ball many years ago. Very strange.
We are here visiting and going to the zoo, children's museum, and aqauarium this week. Wow. I have the chills right now! night night
Anyone have plans for the Superbowl? Staying home, going to friends, making food,
And it's getting worse
Our local school district is lauded as one of the best in Pennsylvania. But apparently I'm one of the few who disagree. They actually give out varying grades of failing -- an E and an F. And D's are passing grades. I have a foster son in that school system, and I hate it. The children who do well, get all the attention. Average and below average students are poorly served, but a good deal of their parents are uninvolved, and we just don't hear their stories as often. My other two children go to a Catholic HS where the only grades are A, B, C or fail. Even though the school is smaller and the curriculum less varied, it's worth the struggle to pay the tuition, because standards are higher.
I'm a very big believer that we get from children what we expect from children. And very large school districts, no matter how much they talk about attending to the individual child, just are not able to do so. Children who struggle just can't get the attention they need.
which is worse.
My account was $174 in the red. I panicked, went to the ATM with a CC and got $200 and deposited it my account. I don't get paid until Friday. I don't know when DH gets paid. The bank said they cleared them so probably no charges are going on the outside, but bank itself is going to charge me for this. I really don't know how that works. I have never been in this mess before. I just got worried my name is going to be posted all over town "do not accept checks from this woman" very embarrassing. I am supposed to have close $4000 in tax money coming in which will pay off 2 loans which will help. While there is work available, I better go back to the kind of typing I get paid for. I asked the bank lady which is worse, but she said I will get bit either way.
Well, it could be worse.
At least you didn't mention she's smoking up your house or using illegal drugs or having wild parties or stealing from you. The loud TV is something you could address. Turning it down or using headphones are two possible compromises. You can't expect a paying renter to share all of your values, especially if you didn't take the time to see if you were going to be compatible for each issue. I'm sure she would be surprised to hear she's so annoying. From her point of view, other than a TV that may be too loud, she's just minding her own business.
OMG, I know! I'm not sure which is worse,
the way the ER treated her or the way the 911 operator responded to people calling for help. Why is that guy not being fired???
It could be worse!
I haven't started all that, so it could be worse. But when other things went wrong in my life I lost interesting in food. I was only eating 2 meals a day, and apparently one of those wasn't good enough. I did lose 10 lbs, but I reached a good weight adn stopped losing, so I wasn't concerned at all about that. So then the old antidepressant wasn't working, so changed to another one, then skin started changing and wouldn't heal, blood wouldn't clot, had extreme exhaustion and apathy. So now I have to recover from vitamin deficiencies, at least I learned that it's hard fo me to stay healthy when I work at home.
I'm going back to school for something I always thought I couldn't do, but maybe I can after all! Everybody is very encouraging. They never thought MT was challenging enough for me anyway.
He was always that way, getting worse (sm)
I just put up with it for a long time, overlooked it. When I was younger I thought I probably just didn't know how people are supposed to act and so I assumed he knew better than me. But now it is particularly offensive to me when I keep asking him to work on how he treats me and he says until I act like a wife, he is not gonig to treat me like one. Well, I'm not a prostitute. I don't have to buy his kindness with my body. I think I have pretty much made up my mind. I really appreciate all the comments and welcome any others.
It is not going to get better. It is only going to get worse.
Is that what you want? For yourself OR for your children?
Please read my post in the thread below - "See a divorce attorney." Same advice still applies. Make sure you have someone on your side who knows the LAW. You just have to make up your mind to do it. I suggest you do it soon, before he starts criticizing and/or hitting the children. And don't say that would never happen. It could and it very well might.
Get rid of him - it will only get worse - sm
I married a man like that, thinking "I can change him." oh I laugh at myself now, only after I kick myself.
The fact that his ego was so much larger than you could imagine should have been a clue. Even now, he says he already knows what I am going to say so "don't bother"! Whatever!
Kick him to the curb and find a REAL man!
got worse before it got better
Believe me, this person was something else, that was 20-odd years ago. My personal life was a wreck, and she really succeeded it just making me feel worse about myself. She made everyone take the CMT exam, it was no where near ready, and I was the only one that flunked it the first time. It was a dark, dark time.
This is worse (sm)
The grammar my husband uses as well as his family and friends is horrible but I have to hold back correcting them. Spelling too. I blame the school systems.
I do, however, correct TV reports out loud in my own home. That's always a fun game!
I along with others got worse than that
Years ago before government pushed into folks lives, kids were punished in ways, ok I was hit with a belt, a yard stick and 1 time when mother got really ticked, one of those 60s high heels with the pointy toe and slim heel. I never resented her for my acting out and probably deserved each swat I got. My DH also tells me he got what he calls beatings (you got to understand sometimes we just call them that when they were whippings)and both of us and all I know growing up turned out really adjusted. I saw the post above wondering about if we were afraid of strangers approaching with items or men, that is really funny- I along with others of my age group probably got more whippings than most know. It only make me a stronger person. The kids growing up then were real nice ones.
To a man, I bet nothing is worse the ED. A man
x
Could be worse...
We had to pay over 3k in taxes between fed and state this year, over 3k in property taxes, and we don't get the stimulus check.
I'm trying to feel sorry for you, really I am... 
It's going to get worse before it gets better.
I believe when your psych doctor tells you to be nice, she is telling you not to stress. Stress will only make you sick. You just have to be patient. Teenagers are going to do what they want. Even after our visits with the psych doctor ended, it was still rough going. My child left home at Christmastime. That was the worst time of my life but I survived. I packed up her gifts, tracked down where she was staying (with a friend and her mother), dropped the gifts off at the house and left. I did not speak with my daughter and I told her friend's mother that I did not want to speak with her. I continued with my holiday enjoying the rest of my family and the next week, my daughter came back home sheepishly. She had lost a lot of weight so I know she could not eat like she wanted. After that incident, I did not have any more problems and she lived by my rules until we shipped her off to college. She has graduated from college and is now going to Officer's School for the Air Force. What I'm saying is, you will survive this. Don't give her your power. If she needs to, let her see how difficult it is to live on her own and not have the comforts of mom and dad's house.
N0 way, I think she was always like that, worse than a dog..! nm
nm
Then it is even worse! Then you took
the money form your blood relatives, your nephew and niece, PRETENDING that you cannot find them! WOW !
I do sometimes. This year seems worse
I guess because we have 2 houses to sell and family issues that have been going since July. But normally I am fine and just get the blues after Christmas is over. This time of year is wonderful but can be stressful trying to live up to family expectations etc.
Beepers are worse, though.
You hear them go off on the guy's belt and you know what's coming... right up to the mouthpiece until they finally turn it off. LOUD beeping breaking my ear drum.
The cell phones are bad also. They should have rules of cell phone/dictation. Yeah, right.
I used to do this doctor whose cell phone was a cat's meow. I was forever trying to figure out where he was dictating from where this cat was always meowing. I finally figured it out when he actually answered it rather than let it terminally meow. ;-)
That network is actually getting worse, if that is at all
!
It gets worse every year...
I'm still shaking my head, especially over that last one!
Worse every year . . .
Ditto here! That last one should have gone home. Really a shock.
dont know which is worse
that or hearing that Sanjaya is still on AI???!!!
Going to watch AI *live* my time for first time this year!
Rachel Ray is worse
Get the woman a muzzle and some valium. Good grief her voice goes through me like chalk on a chalkboard.
Not worse than the funeral I went to
NM
Don't be, there are lots of others who have it far worse- sm
than those of us here with husbands that basically are just spoiled brats who want it all their own way and don't want to have to do anything other than go to work (and most don't even want to do that) come home, eat, and put up their feet and watch TV. Mom is supposed to do it all, cook, clean, deal with the kids on every level, be ready to go when hubby wants sex and work herself, all with a big smile on her face. At least that is what my husband expects, though he does do the cooking though lately he has really cut back and I have had to pick up the slack or no one eats. He cooks for himself and I do the kids and I. I do everything else even cut the grass sometimes as he is "too tired". He has been whining about retiring for years now, he is only 48 but thinks he should be able to quit and I pay all the bills, don't think so as I make only about 20% of what he does. He says when the house is paid off he is quiting. I have told him no that is not an option until the kids are out of college (another 16 years), he is not too happy about that. Once he hits 55 I know it will really become a battle (or when his parents die as he is expecting at least 1M from them), but I will probably quit MT then and go out and get a job especially if he is homw all day then. My only consolation if I do stick it out is I will be a rich widow and he will probably develop cirrhosis in the next few years as he has been drinking 8-12 light beers a day for about 25 years at least, and he does not eat much as well; and hates doctors so by the time he gets any serious illness it will be too late most likely. A friend of mine in the healthcare field is convinced it will happen, just a question of when. Who knows, don't really much care. I keep my kids happy and they do love their daddy and he loves them to pieces too, but he is just a bit too unrealistic in his expectations of them, me and life in general. If push comes to shove I will probably demand he leave, he hates the house and has said on more than one occasion if he goes I can have the house (how generous of him), though I'd demand it be paid off first, so he'd have to raid the 401K for $50K but he would not owe me a penny; and on the side of stupidity I'd probably get a equity line and pay off all the cc debt we have just to shut him up and have less stress about that. That payment is a lot less than a mortgage and it would be worth it in my mind to do. We'd both be paying off debt and he could not whine that I stuck him with that too. Child support will make him whine enough as it is. He'd walk away with a truck, trailer, boat, big screen TV, his collectables/antiques (a lot of stuff), my mom's china (I don't like it and she wanted him to have it when she died and he loves it), a few tables, half the dishes and a 5 acre lot about 12 miles away on which he could build a house. Yes, I have thought this out quite a bit. Anyone in a bad situation, don't bury your head in the sand, think about your options and have a game plan if necessary. Good luck to us all!
I had the same situation only worse(sm)
my 9-year-old nephew (who I rarely see) stopped in with his father yesterday to wish Christmas greetings. Somewhere in the conversation as we were talking about work in general my nephew pipes up and says, "Maybe you should get a REAL job." I can only assume that discussion among the adults in their household centers around the fact that they don't think I "really" work even though I I sit for eight hours a day (and have for 10+ years) just like if I went off to the hospital to do this (which I did for 13 years before that).
Yes worsening after for me...much worse (sm)
It could be a matter of age but my cramps and flow got way, way worse after the procedure.
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