Well, any healthy relationship should be close to equal
Posted By: sm on 2007-02-27
In Reply to: Obeying your husband.. - I screwed up my past relationships by being tooo s
My husband works FT and still helps out a lot around the house. I only work PT, so I usually do the cooking, helping our daughter with homework and most of the cleaning. My husband always cleans the kitchen after I cook (and vice versa) though and he cleans the bathrooms. We also alternate doing the laundry. So, I'd say everything evens out to be pretty close to 50/50 in our relationship. We are truly best friends and we treat each other as such, and I would never dream of "serving" my man - that's just a ridiculous statement! I even had that part taken out of our wedding vows! If it becomes a problem where you feel like you're being taken advantage of, then you need to sit down with your husband and let him know that he needs to pull his own weight or you won't be happy. Good luck!
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- Obeying your husband.. - I screwed up my past relationships by being tooo s
- Well, any healthy relationship should be close to equal - sm
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Death of someone you have a close relationship
even if they are not related by blood.
In 1990, my husband and I decided for the first time since we had been married to spend Thanksgiving with his family instead of with my family (we always did a Sunday Thanksgiving with his family before because my family was so large and his family was smaller).
My father died that Thanksgiving night. It took me 10 years to forgive myself for not being there that day. I have empathy for anyone who suffers a loss around a holiday, but hey, that's just me.
I mean:..'not a very close relationship....nm
nm
Can you close the door on your relationship and not look back? sm
Of course, you will need to be in touch for the sake of the children, but you as a person need to be able to look back and have no *what ifs* to ponder about. You need to know in your head you have turned over every stone and mustered every bit of strength in your possession and tried everything you possibly could before you end this. Otherwise, it will forever sit like a huge weight on your back and make it hard on in life. You also need to be able to speak about your husband in an objective manner for the sake of the children. I agree with the other poster who suggested counseling for the children. Please consider that no matter what else you decide for yourself. Oh, how I do wish my parents had done the same for me as a child. Their relationship has left me with wounds so easily reinjured and made some things in life very tough for me. Best wishes to you.
We are close in that we live about five miles from each other, but we aren't close like good frie
By husband and BIL WERE pretty good friends, though.
If you are set on closing, do not close the old ones, close a newer account first.
Your credit is based on a mix of things like history, types of accounts, mix of credit (revolving vs installment), usage/utilization of credit available, and payment history. Where closing could hurt your score is the part of the score that averages history of accounts/length of credit. If you decide to close, close out a newer account first.
The best way to protect from ID theft as far as credit is to freeze your credit reports. It's around $10 per agency to freeze them. Each credit reporting agency tries to sell your their own monitoring plan when you get to the how to freeze information, so make
sure you are freezing it.
You can't freeze it over the net they each require a letter by registered mail. It takes about 1 month to freeze it.
Right now you can place a fraud alert on your reports for free. The credit *should* not extend credit or do a credit line increase without calling the phone # on your credit report first. You only need to do it at one credit reporting agency and the other ones will be notfied. The number for equifax fraud alert 1-888-766-0008. It's automated.
If you are concerned about ID theft try one of the monitoring plans. I've tried a few of them and Equifax has the best one. Their Score Watch is great, you set the limits to be notified and any change they send an email literaly the next day. I used it after I discovered ID theft. It might be a waste of money for you. I would place the fraud alerts, then the freeze, and check your reports 2x per year.
I've had ID theft as far as my name/social but what concerns me more than credit ID theft is bank account theft. I don't know how we can fight that. It seems like consumers get the raw end of the deal as far rights when deposit accounts are stolen.
We are all equal. You are no better than anyone else, and no one else is any better than you.
x
Army does not always equal
Though I completely understand where you're coming from. Hear her out about the complete plan of what she wants to do. She could go as non-combat, right? Be proud of her for making such a mature decision.
Equal treatment
I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced as a girl until I was 12. My mother's reason was that I was too young to take care of them. Since boys mature slower than girls, I think 13 is perfectly reasonable. Also I don't know your son's interests but make sure he understands that some sports will require him to take it out to play.
IQ does not equal happiness
I've known other brilliant people who indulged in self-destruction. There have been studies that suggest the smarter you are the less happy you are, and there may be some truth in it.
The first reason for this would be people with attitudes like yours, abc. They hold smart people to the highest standards. They don't allow a genius to be human, but they do have weaknesses. Imagine spending your whole life hearing "If you're so smart how could you, why haven't you....". There is enormous pressure put upon them by others to do something great, to perform mental tricks for the amusement of others, to "prove how smart they are". Some become as insecure about it as beauty queens do about their looks - I remember when I was married to my genius, we watched a show about a child prodigy who could play great compositions at the age of 4. This show upset my ex, I could see it made him jealous and insecure, and nervous that he was not as great as everyone assumed him to be. Just like there's always someone richer, thinner, and better looking, there's always someone smarter too.
Another reason would be lonliness. The smarter you are, the less you have in common with the majority of the population. The things that interest you most people can't even understand. I think one purpose Mensa was created was so that they could find people to talk to on their own level. The pitfall there is most of them are so specialized in their own areas of interest they still don't have anything in common - the gifted musician does not want to discuss quantum theories with the scientist, they can understand it, they just aren't interested in it.
In my ex's case, his substance abuse has three factors - First, he's physically handicapped, and his health has always been a problem. He self medicates with substances to escape the misery of being in his body. Second, he's a classic nerd who never had any friends or a social life. He started abusing substances to try to be one of the cool partying folk, to fit in. All of his current friends abuse substances, but he at least has some friends now, that's how he sees it. Third, the pressure to perform has caused him to give up. He was a computer guru before computers were cool. Once computers were mainstreamed to the general populace, and new software was coming out on a daily basis, he could no longer know "it all". When he reached that crossroads, he panicked, gave up and dove into the bottle to hide from his insecurities.
A high IQ is often just as much a curse as a blessing. I am assuming the reason to abuse substance is pretty universal - the desire to escape reality for a while, then it becomes a habit. If a person doesn't have the courage to deal with reality and change their life, they may choose to destroy it instead.
I disagree, more expensive does not always equal better
quality. Especially when it comes to cosmetics.
Instead of buying expensive creams containing cucumber extract, just put a cucumber on your face! Works equally
and even better!
I got it! Tell him 1 more kid will equal a lot more child support after the divorce : )
x
To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction
It won't be making any difference. I tried a couple of techniques for my adults and very soon I came to realize they found the antidotes for them. If there are 10 sites telling how to monitor your kids, there are 1000 more telling how to escape it. Down the road you will be pushing your kids to visit those sites (full of porn banners & adult materials) and nothing else.
As an equal partner in this marriage, why is it wrong for me to express my wants? (sm)
You seem to imply that because he wants to live here, I have to whether I like it or not. I have lived here for over 10 years. Why is it wrong for me to want what I want, but okay for him to impose his wants on me?
Here's a healthy one.
Edamame (soy beans) blanched in salted water, served on Townhouse crackers with a light layer of cream cheese. Delish!!
Mine isn't nearly as healthy. LOL
I tend to go for burgers. I like a cheeseburger with grilled onion, tomato, and green olives.
When I was younger and I trusted the food supply, we used to have cannibal sandwiches...raw ground steak, raw onion, salt, and pepper on pumpernickel bread. Tastes way better than it sounds. :-)
There's also a restaurant here with a world-famous (really!) pork chop sandwich. It has chili, coleslaw, onions, pickles, and mustard on it.
Can you tell I live in the South?? LOL
not a healthy two-year-old
Apparently, the whole house had the rotavirus and the two year old got an ileus? This is a relative. I have never heard of such a thing!
Doesn't anyone eat healthy? nm..
??
How about a healthy alternative
Healthy? What? For Superbowl? I know. I must be kidding, right?
How about a bunch of carrot sticks, or pre-peeled baby carrots, celery sticks, bell peppers cut into strips and some hummus. You can find good hummus at Whole Foods, and surprisingly, the Sam's near me has a really good one. Not everyone likes it, but it's one of my favorite snacks. You can also get pita chips and some baguette bread cut up into small slices to serve it with as well. Add some calamata olives and some bruschetta topping, which is roasted peppers in olive oil, and I think you'll have a hit that is not just the same old same old.
Healthy paranoia
Seriously, you're already distrustful of the guy or you wouldn't be having these doubts. How long have you known him? I'm with the other posters who advise you listen to your intuition.
Since it is a small dog, assuming it's healthy,
it actually should not be hard to place. Do contact rescues in your area if you don't have a network of dog-loving people you really know well. Also vets' offices. See if they will put up signs. Sometimes when people lose a pet, they want to get a nice adult dog fast so they won't be alone.
I'm also in NC, and I know a woman who wants a small dog. She's in her 50s, either divored or widowed, needs a small, clean, adult dog that's already trained and won't cost her a fortune. Look for somebody like that.
Well, I'm right in the middle, not skinny just healthy
I've never really been skinny, I'm too curvy to ever be skinny, but I'm at a healthy weight (bmi of 21) and very happy with my body. I pretty much eat whatever I want, just know I need to exercise more if I eat high-calorie/high-fat foods. I've been overweight but was miserable and decided to make a change, definitely much happier now.
If he is otherwise healthy, I'd lose the tail.
He'll have to adjust how he balances but otherwise I think he'd be fine.
Healthy meals for fussy 7-10 YO sm
"Yuck, ugh," sick of these words from young kids whose Mom wants them to eat healthy. They are also label readers (believe it or not), want to know where everything is on the food pyramid, yet they balk at everything in front of them. I am so tired of trying to please them and don't want to go against the Mom's rules. Anything tasty and healthy? Forget vegetables!
Anyone ever been really heavy and have a healthy pregnancy? sm
Well I am at 325 and pregnant. Yes, I am tall but still that weight is very, very disgusting. I wonder how I got to this place. But I am so worried about my weight affecting the baby. The baby was nto planned - was a complete surprise. A welcome surprise though. But I never thought I would be able to get pregnant while being this heavy. I don't why I thought that but I truly did. I am just wondering if anyone has been really overweight and how it affected your pregnancy. The doctors don't really see any harm in it, or so they say, but I am still a bit worried. Thanks for all input. I am getting the Lap band after I have the baby. I want to be healthy for my family after this and it seems like a reasonable option. Thanks everyone. Have a great Thanksgiving!
My SIL was heavy and had two healthy babies.
With her last pregnancy, she started walking and eating better while she was pregnant. She weighed less at the end of her pregnancy than at the beginning. Baby was 7 lbs and healthy, too!
Exceedingly fit and healthy, could he be using steroids?
x
School lunches are quite healthy in this day and age...
they have a lot of standards they have to be up on. Our school serves at least 3 fruits/veggie options with every meal. They actually serve healthy things like yogurt, side salads, etc. When I was younger, school lunch was terrible, but that's changed. It went from just plain terrible when I was a kid to terrible because they served so much unhealthy pop, chips and all to now where they aren't even allowed to have pop OR chips. The ones who bring their own lunces are the eating the crud now. The weight may have been the tubs of pb eaten with a spoon rather than the actual lunches served, as being a tween you should have burned off even a crappy lunch.
I think some things mentioned here are healthy
like nuts- I would like to see a picture of you say at 65 and see do you not still have a spread- it is called the middleaged spread and it happens whether thin, fat or whatever. Get off your high horse and quit looking down on others.
Lucky is the one who is healthy and does not need a doctor!...nm
nm
How is your relationship with God? If not God, do you have sm
any spirituality in your life at all? I was exactly where you were....then I found Jesus. Late in life. He has given me purpose and pure contentment.
Nothing satisfies like Jesus and I've done it all: Alcoholism, rx drugs, bad relationships, etc.
Now I'm teaching a Bible study class, have a thriving marriage (after a horrible divorce) and am just very, very peaceful and happy.
Whenever someone like you comes to me with thoughts just like yours, I tell them about God and His saving grace. Will pray for you that you find the contentment you are so searching for.
relationship help
My fiance and I live together - been together 4 years - living together 3 months - supposed to get married this year. . Most of the time, everything is great. He gets stressed out about finances, makes a rude remark to me about my lack of house cleaning ability, I get mad and go off by myself for a few hours - he gets even madder and starts saying our relationship is over, etc. . He leaves for several hours, comes home and we make up. . I am having a hard time with this. . I feel like I have to react a certain way or this whole blow up is going to happen. . I love him and know he loves me - I just don't understand how something so small can turn into something so big. . Anyone with any advice?
MIL-SIL relationship has nothing to do with
SIL's feelings for the daughter, just like MIL's feelings for him have nothing to do with her feelings for her daughter.
relationship
Is this how you want your life to be because he will not change even if he decides he is "ready" to marry you. Everything he does now he will continue to do. You definitely deserve better. Good luck.
I so agree...mother of 3 healthy kids
I have a similar relative who would NEVER let anyone around her girls when they were babies, whether we were sick or not. No one was allowed to even hold them. Those babies grew up to be 2 of the sickest kids I ever saw.
Focus on getting healthy, not on losing weight
I don't know your height, but was 5Ǝ" and 175 when I started trying to get fit. I lost inches first before losing weight. It took 4-5 months to lose 25 lbs, going from a size 16 to 12. Once I got there, I was more fit than 93% of all women my age. I was doing mountain hikes that put my teenagers to shame.
A few years later, I had some GI problems and started losing inches and a bit of weight, but not much weight. I lost the muscle as I had already burned off the fat. I dropped only 5 lbs, but went from size 12 to a size 8. I was anorectic. I'm back up again. ugh.
Just wanted you to know that if you think about getting fit, you may be more successful than if your goal is to lose weight. A lot of people give up because they don't lose the weight they expect of themselves. Your body will tell you where you should be. If you lose too much weight, you'll stay sick. If you are fit and stay fit, you'll feel it in any muscle and bone of your body. Good luck! Sounds like your off to a good start.
It's not healthy to base your happiness on another person
I'm not trying to be mean or judge, but I just don't understand why women do this. You should never be this "into" a guy, it's just not healthy. You really need to get into counseling or try to fill that void in your life with church/God/Christianity, anything that makes you happy. Find out what makes you happy (in a healthy way) and pursue that. I've been married 10 years to a wonderful man who is honestly my best friend and I would be very sad if our relationship ended, but I wouldn't be devastated and I know that I'm a strong enough woman that I would get through it just fine. To honestly have a healthy relationship, you should be completely happy and whole on your own and you shouldn't need another person to make you feel happy. I pray that you find whatever it is that you're seeking, but trust me, you'll never find it through another person.
Maintaining a healthy hard drive (sm)
Maximizing the life of your hard drive
The following is a list of important maintenance and monitoring techniques you can use to maximize the life of your hard drive and prevent data loss.
Hard drives are physically fragile – handle with care
Statistics show that 25% of lost data is due to a failure of a portable drive. (Source: 2001 Cost of Downtime Survey Results)
Contrary to its seemingly rugged appearance, your hard disk is a very delicate device that writes and reads data using microscopic magnetic particles. Any vibration, shock, and other careless operation may damage your drive and cause or contribute to the possibility of a failure. This is especially relevant for notebook users, as they are most at risk of drive failure due to physical damage, theft, and other causes beyond their control. That’s why we recommend regular backup of notebook hard drives, as often as possible.
Possible solutions include external USB or Firewire drives (although these are prone to the same risks), desktop synchronization, or backup at a data center through the web.
Hard drives write data in a non-linear way forcing it to become fragmented.
When files accumulate on your hard drive, they do not just get written in a linear fashion. A hard drive writes files in small pieces and scatters them over the surface. The fuller your hard drive becomes and the more files you save and delete the worse file fragmentation can be. Hard drive access times increase with fragmentation since your drive must work harder to find all the pieces of the files. The more fragmented your data is, the harder the actuator arm has to work to find each piece of a file.
A case in point: Disk fragmentation is a common problem for users of Outlook Express and database software. Each time outlook saves new mail, it does so in a different physical location from the previous time. This results in extreme fragmentation, causing longer access times and forcing more strain on the actuator arm.
Finally, in the event of a total crash, a fragmented drive is much more difficult to recover then a healthy defragged drive.
Luckily, Windows makes it remarkably easy to defrag your hard drive, simply launch the Disk Defragmenter utility (Start > Programs > Accessories > System Tools), choose which disk or partition you’d like to defragment and set it to work overnight or while you are not actively using your computer. Defragmentation will speed up your computer and ensure a longer life for your hard drive.
A very small power surge can fry a hard drive – use a UPS and turn off your computer
Another little-known fact about the fragility of your hard drive is its susceptibility to electrical failure. An electrical failure can be caused by a power surge, lightening strikes, power brown-outs, incorrect wiring, a faulty or old power supply, and many other factors. If a power surge enters your computer, it may do an unpredictable amount of damage, including destroying your hard drive’s electronics or crashing the heads and possibly resulting in total data loss.
The best way to protect your computer from such dangers is to use a highly rated protected power bar or an Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS). Although these devices won’t eliminate the chances of a crash, they will serve as effective protection in most cases. Also, you can minimize the danger of an electrical problem and reduce wear of your hard drive by turning off your computer or using power-save modes whenever possible. It’s a known fact that 100% of drives fail, the question is when will it happen and will you be prepared?
*Be SMART, monitor the health of your drive to prevent unexpected crashes
All modern hard drives have a self-monitoring technology called SMART (Self Monitoring Analysis & Reporting Technology). What most people don’t realize is that the majority of hard drive failures do not have to be unexpected. Most failures occur as a result of long-term problems which can be predicted. By regularly monitoring disk health and performance, you can know about potential hard drive problems before you lose any of your data.
Several excellent utilities are available, including DiskView and Stellar SMART for standard IDE and SATA desktop drives. Also available are tools that monitor the health of SCSI drives and full RAID Array systems. Ariolic Software offers a great utility called ActiveSMART.
*The only fool-proof way to prevent data loss is... Backup!
If you only take one of the suggestions here to heart, let it be this one: always back up your important data. After all the monitoring and all the prevention measures are in place, one fact still remains: all hard drives fail. Backing up regularly will ensure that you’re never caught without your critical data. For individuals, the simplest solutions include external portable hard drives, dvd’s, and online storage.
she was in control of that relationship
x
Yes, your relationship will change sm
The first three months or so you will both be so tired you won't know how you can possibly make it, but you will. If you have family close by to help, that is great (I was an Air Force wife, so we were far from both our families). Hopefully, though, you will start to see your husband in a whole new light. I know I did. He had never had much use for children before, although I knew he loved animals, so that's always a good sign. He would spend hours playing with our cats, and he loved to sit and watch TV with one or both of the cats in his lap. To me, that showed a loving heart.
He had a lot of learning to do, but he became a wonderful father. Seeing that, I fell in love with him all over again. He became much more open emotionally, primarily with our son, but some of that spilled over into our relationship as well. And having a child together bonds a couple together like nothing else. Here is this wonderful being who is a part of BOTH of you, and who you both love like you never thought you could love another human being.
Sure, there will be difficulties. There will be times when he wants sex and you are so exhausted all you want to do is sleep for a week. There will be times when you are so focused on the baby you won't realize you are neglecting him. But if you are aware of all these possibilities, you are less likely to let the situation go on so long that it becomes a problem.
Good luck to you, whatever happens. 
The whole relationship should have been a no-brainer
Frankly, I thought he should have been given more punishment myself, but I don't think the DA/ADA really put a lot of effort into it. As I mentioned, they were going to accept the SIS until I pointed out that I didn't approve on the basis that it's not like another conviction would be destroying a lily-white record, at which point the ADA flipped through the file and said, "Wow, this guy belongs in jail." Going into it, the 'scoop' on the judge were that the 3 things he hated most were drunks, deadbeat dads, and woman-hitters, and the ex was the trifecta (he's about $1100 behind in his child support), but somehow he got to skate away. I do have mixed feelings about the sentence; I wasn't really injured, but on the other hand that was only because I called before it got worse.
I have my own share of self-esteem issues, which is why I stuck it out as long as I did. The only thing Dr. Phil ever said that made sense to me was, "We generate the reality we think we deserve." So I'm spending some quality time channeling Stuart Smalley and doing my self-affirmations, have blocked his phone, and am generating my new reality.
re the relationship with your daughter...
My sister-in-law, a wonderful woman, has a 30-something daughter, and she is struggling with their relationship. She has recently decided to let things go for a while - for her own sanity. She tells me that there have been problems with their relationship since her daughter was just a child. It pains her to think that she may never have a good relationship with her. My sister-in-law has 2 other children that she has a wonderful relationship with. I think, sadly enough, that sometimes it just works out that way. We have discussed the possibility of her daughter having psychiatric/emotional issues that could be hindering the relationship process - I don't know whether or not that could be an issue with your daughter. The bottom line is, in my opinion, you can only do what you can do. I don't think a parent should EVER give up on their children, but there may come a time when you have to realize that it is what it is, and you just have to accept that and worry about taking care of yourself. Good luck to you.
Just started Healthy Performance..cooking involved though.
It has been just a little over 24 hours. I CAN do this. Sometimes it just takes a kick in the butt to get me moving in the right direction and I think this is gonna do it. Good luck to you!
Contact him and be thankful you found him alive and hopefully healthy. sm
If you pass this opportunity up, you may never get another chance. I think i would call him, but you also have to think about someone else answering the phone and be prepared just in case. i believe everyone deserves a second chance and a chance for explanations. my eldest brother recently had his 23yo son contact him. lots of issues and reasons, but at least his son got to meet his father. now i am trying to get the family together as i am trying to get to know my nephew via myspace. both were sitting around waiting on the other to make a move after their initial meeting and neither were doing it. just FYI though, my brother's wife also had a major problem with my brother meeting his long lost son as well. what's up with that??? i can't comprehend that. as adults, it isn't like they are only after money you know. just want to know their family is all. contact him before you regret it!
whaaahh...I bough some Smart Ones and Healthy CHoice
holiday pounds. I want chocolate!!!
Dont know where your relationship has gone wrong but
my husband and I have been married now for 7 years and he is feely, smoochy, kind, considerate, loving, can have a grab each and any time he wants it. I thank my lucky stars to have found him at my late age. I dont know what has turned the love to disgust for you but I do not feel normally this would be a turnoff for most women, certainly not me. My love just deepens every minute we are together. I will say that I have an ole high school friend (this is her second marriage) that says identical things as you are saying. She and the fellow have no children together but frankly, I would not stay because of the children, never. Your children will suffer in a situation like this. My children grown when I met the present husband but I was divorced, raised the children and would not subject them to more unpleasantness. I think my friend and her husband will come to divorce eventually. Just do not believe you can overcome the disgust when it should be pure heaven by his touch.
a believer in God, personal relationship with God
My spirituality comes from many places...
Mother Teresa said:
People are often unreasonable and self-centered. FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. BE KIND ANYWAY.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. BE HONEST ANYWAY.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. BE HAPPY ANYWAY.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. DO GOOD ANYWAY.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. IT NEVER WAS BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY.
-----------
And that, my fellow MTs/MEs, is something we all should contemplate!
Have a GREAT week!!!
I agree - no kids, why do they have to have a relationship?
nm
does anyone besides me have a bad relationship with a grown daughter or son?
with one of your grown-up kids, or is it only me? My oldest daughter and I do not get along, never did. I love her, but am not sure if I like her. She is very selfish and self centered and it's all about her. Everyone else see's it but her. Of course, there's a lot more to it, but last night she sent me a letter saying basically she's done with me.....not sure at all where this is coming from. I really, really don't need this right now. So, is anyone else in any kind of a similar situation with an adult child? She's 38.
I'm so glad you have that type of relationship! That's how it should be. (sm)
She has every opportunity to come here and let them get to know her and then they would probably be happier going to her house. She is always so busy every time they see her. I would love for them to want to go to her house. It is so ridiculous for people to say it is me influencing them.
I'm glad they have a good relationship, too, but it's NOT
superficial to know your spouse's past history including his education. Why be so secretive about something so mundane? Is she going to love him any less (or more) whether he did or didn't finish high school - probably not. Is it going to change how he treats her now if she knows - probably not. Even if it changed everything about their relationship, she's still his wife, and to not know his education level after 30+ years of knowing each other is just a wee bit strange to me. Once again, in my opinion, he's supposed to be her best friend, her confidante, the one person in the world she can trust anything to. Why the evasiveness? JMO
I feel so sorry for you. Please rethink your relationship with this man.
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